Great Sex Secrets for Men

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Was it good for you?

If you’re like a lot of men, chances are it wasn’t. At least, the sex wasn’t as good as you think it could have been.

You were addled with anxiety, plagued by concerns over your performance, and worried about the worthiness of your physique during lovemaking. Even if the act achieved the idealized heights of a Hollywood screenplay — your partner melted at your touch, you thundered like a stallion, you writhed in unison to volcanic climax — you still harbor suspicions: You’re pretty much certain you’re not getting it as often as everyone else.

For creatures so famously consumed by thoughts of sex, men remain remarkably confused about what great sex is and how to have it. We’re shadowed by self-doubt, and clouded by myths and misperceptions. It’s not just about our mind-set. We men could also work on our mechanics. Mentally and physically, we’re hampered, hindered. We’re impeded on our path to greater sexual pleasure.

To rephrase a famous question: Can’t we all just have great sex?

Of course we can. But first we should decide what great sex is.

“Great sex is in the anxiety about performance. Minimizing both helps maximize your enjoyment of your partner. “If we can quiet our monkey-minds, put a stop to that ceaseless inner-chatter, we can open ourselves up to better sex,” Britton says.

She recommends that men adopt a mantra: FOPS, or Focus on Pleasurable Sensations.

“There are techniques ranging from eye-gazing to massage and synchronized breathing that help keep you in the moment,” Britton says. “Great sex happens in the present. It doesn’t happen in the future, like worrying about how quickly you’re going to come.”

Great Sex Tip5: Focus Less on Size and More on Other Matters

“I’m not going to pretend it doesn’t matter,” Davidson says. “There are plenty of women for whom it absolutely does. But I prefer to focus on the idea of the right fit.”

No two people are built the same, and it helps to have compatible body parts. For some women, men of modest size may be a perfect fit. It’s a matter of physiology and personal preference. But perfect-fitting penetration isn’t the only path to satisfying sex. Focus on foreplay. Concentrate on kissing, cooing, caressing — the full panoply of sexual pleasure giving.

“A lot of women are very responsive to a man’s voice during lovemaking,” Davidson says. “If a man has verbal facility and can entice a woman through his voice, that can become a powerful part of his repertoire.

Great Sex Tip6: Schedule Sex. Really.

What sounds rote and dreary can actually be dreamy, says Michael Castleman, who recommends the strategy especially to couples in long-term relationships, who’ve passed the can’t-keep-their-hands-off-each-other phase.

“There’s this powerful mythology that says you should fall into each other’s arms spontaneously, with string music playing and the sun setting in the West, and if that doesn’t happen there’s something wrong with you,” Castleman says. “Nonsense. Real life doesn’t work that way.”

Rather than heightening the pressure to perform (“It’s now, or never!”), scheduling can actually make sex more relaxing. You can develop sensual rituals, make romantic gestures in anticipation of your encounter. You can give each other massages or take a shower together.

Castleman says that scheduling sex also eliminates conflict over desire differences. “People say, ‘What if I’m not in the mood?’ Well, one of the things about relationships is that you sometimes make compromises. But what astonishes people once they start scheduling sex is that they can actually enjoy it.”