He’s Just Not That Into You!

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If Jennifer Aniston can’t get her guy to commit, is there hope for the rest of us?

Men who won’t commit. Men who won’t call. They’ll all be players in He’s Just Not That Into You, a star-studded new movie based on the popular book of the same name. The movie, which features Aniston, Ben Affleck, Drew Barrymore, and Scarlett Johansson, opens nationally on Feb. 6 and will likely spur a revival of the catchphrase made popular by an episode of dating and social networking services may have fueled the need for such advice even more. Several scenes in the new movie discuss how new modes of communication such as texting, emailing, and social networking sites create even more venues for false hope, rejection, and booty calls.

What’s more, “the Internet and the emailing that goes on before the first date creates the illusion that you know the person, and when they don’t call you back, it seems more mystifying, but you really don’t know each other at all,” Saltz says.

People in Glass Houses Shouldn’t Throw Stones

Friends create, analyze, and reinforce the excuses and reasons that women come up with because it could just as easily be them with this dating dilemma. “Everyone identifies with the victim, so to speak, and hopes that when they are in these same shoes, their friends can also think of reasons that he has not called,” she says.

But “if you have a friend who can’t see the writing on the wall and as a result they are not out looking for the next Mr. Right, then [being honest] would be doing the person a favor,” she says.

“It’s all a matter of degree, and there are also ways to wake someone up but spare their feelings,” she says. “Try saying, ‘You are terrific, he doesn’t know what he is missing,’ because there are ways to be supportive but still make it clear that they are hanging on to a pipe IntimacyGap Between Men and Women.

“The book is implicitly teaching women to have good psychological boundaries, meaning that if he’s just not that into you, it’s not your problem, it’s his and you need to deal with the fact that for whatever the reason, this guy is not interested in a relationship with you,” he says.

“If you are on your hands and knees with a magnifying glass looking for a needle in a haystack as to why he stopped pursuing you, you’re nuts. It just didn’t click, which is fine,” Real says. “Maybe he doesn’t like redheads or maybe you have a broad face like his mother or maybe you don’t have a broad face like his mother.”

It may be an intimacy issue on his part, Real says.

“The kind of guy that has trouble with intimacy is love-avoidant,” he says. “A man who has been wounded in his childhood by family and culture and can’t distinguish between being close to someone and being eaten up alive is love-avoidant,” Real says.

“If there is a history of enmeshment with one of the parents, often the mother, in which the man was used as a hero child, performer, confidant, or the baby, then the relationship with a parent was one in which the child was there to service the parent’s needs, not the other way around,” he says. “That’s what they feel will happen to them and are basically intimacy-phobic.”

But, he cautions, don’t throw out the baby with the bath water. “If you spent the whole date talking about yourself or not talking about yourself or were excessive and extreme in another way and bet it was a real-turn off, look at it and do better next time.”